By: Lydia Cha
I remember it clearly. My heart was pounding so fast as Steve’s eyes looked towards me. Then he asked if I could memorize this poem to present to our class two days later. My goal was to memorize each line perfectly and get through this “job” as quickly as possible. I didn’t bother to picture it in my mind and my heart didn’t want to understand the meaning of this poem.
The night before my presentation I asked God to help me remember the poem perfectly, because I wanted to look good in front of everyone. Then God’s presence chased after me as he walked me through each line word by word. God began to share his heart with me as he brought into my heart the memory of a painful season from a year ago.
One year ago my husband and I had a miscarriage. I still can’t forget the day when I heard the heartbeat of another couple’s baby in the hospital hallway as we were told that our own pregnancy was ending. My heart was heavier than ever. My husband and I looked into each other’s eyes and couldn’t stop sobbing. I felt like a failure to keep my baby healthy and I felt ashamed. I begged God for a miracle. When my prayers didn’t change anything I doubted God, blamed God, yelled at God and in my anger told myself that he was not real. I didn’t wanted to believe in him.
This memory feels like it happened yesterday, and God brought this painful season back to mind to show me that he was there with me. I now saw through his eyes each and every visit to the hospital: The day I was holding my tissue in my fists as I was screaming, God was already looking at me having his arms around me. The moment I was laying in my hospital bed letting go of my baby, God was already there crying with me. Then I realized how much, from the words of the poem I was memorizing, that…
I didn’t “let him look at me”
I didn’t “let him touch me”
I didn’t “let him hold me”
I didn’t “let him heal me”
I didn’t “let him be present to me”
I couldn’t stop crying as I felt God’s presence with me stronger than ever. I knew God was comforting me and healing my scar through Steve and this beautiful poem.
God loves me and is looking at me, touching me, holding me, healing me and being present to me. Through my brokenness God brought me even closer to his love.
– Lydia Cha, YWAM DTS participant, Kona base, Hawaii